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ok so a few things before i go to bed :3

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ok so happy me is finally happy

this is my problem,

i’m really distant and unattached. i’ll short text and take hours to reply. i’ll give you miles of space so you don’t feel overwhelmed or like i’m being clingy. but once you start doing it to me, i begin to panic. i overthink and question every thing i’ve said and done. i start to replay conversations and situations in my head, wondering what i could’ve, should’ve, would’ve done differently. maybe i’m just missing you a lot, maybe i’m overthinking like always and letting my insecurities get the best of me. but i want you around all the time. i want to talk to you all the time. i want your full undivided attention for myself. i want to kiss you and hold your hand. i want you.

sigh 

I keep telling myself I want my dad back around. but just for superficial reasons, and I know that may sound selfish but it’s all I knew from him. because any love I received from him was bought, it was all materialistic. idk I’m really torn on how I feel and wether or not I actually ever forgave you. but you’d have to be sorry for that too. idk idk idk mom just threw out the rest of your stuff, and it’s finally setting in that you’re not coming back. ever. and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I feel like everything I do is wrong.

I have no idea how to feel anymore.

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I don’t like you knowing anything I didn’t chose to tell you.

i’m really starting to hate compliments. more, and more.

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To be honest if the world wasn’t so obsessed with defining beauty as thin and symmetrical maybe I wouldn’t have such low self-esteem and wouldn’t feel as if I needed to lose weight in order to look at myself without frowning and feeling miserable.

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe I’m centering my resentment for myself on a world that has a size I cannot fit into.

Maybe I shouldn’t care.

Or maybe I’ve just grown a skewed image of myself over the years.

I want it to change.

my life in a paragraph.

"I began to draw an invisible boundary between myself and other people. No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a set distance, carefully monitoring the person’s attitude so that they wouldn’t get any closer. I didn’t easily swallow what other people told me. My only passions were books and music."
written by Haruki Murakami